On that Curve

I am learning

To not be okay when its not okay

I am learning

To ask for help when I cannot

I am learning

To let go of things that I already forgave people about

I am learning

Daily

To just breathe because sometimes when things look bleak you get suffocated and even taking in air is an uphill battle

I am learning

Aren’t we all?

I am learning

To go through the process with a grateful heart

Not wanting no know answers beforehand and create contingency measures

I am learning

To see more of the promise giver than the promise. To worship Him even in times He seems far

I am learning

To no longer be content with seeing the outer hard shell that people put up but to dig deeper for more meaningful attachments

I am learning

To let go of the goodness I see in people when I have done the best I could but they choose to remain in that familiar mediocre space

I am learning

That in this season I am a finished product but a work in progress for the next and I am fine with that.

I am learning

To continue being who I am so I can serve better the person whose dream depends on me

I am learning

To slowly heart to feel deeply once again. To drop the cocoon that others have made me build since it was a defense mechanism

I am learning

To not let another person’s wrongdoing cost another the opportunity to know my authentic self

I am learning

To just feel with no reservations. To see the blessing of the moment. To see the love of God stretched to me in that very moment. From the rising of the sun. To the going down of the same.

I am learning

To allow connection, deep connection with the creator and His creation. To tend for that which He placed in my corner.

I am learning

To sometimes look away but offer correction through example.

I am learning

Aren’t we all?

Love

Deb.

A Tribute to my Grandma : The Late Eunice Akamala Angoya (1922-2019)

On the 27th Day of my Birthday Month, a part of me left forever.

Why is death so final!!!

There is a ripping that can never be replaced. A part of your heart gets yanked unexpectedly and you have to stay there and be fine with it.

Then watch her being lowered in her final resting place and inasmuch as the choir echoes through, you can hear nothing except the rain and soil… In a rhetorical state, you watch as you wish she could have seen your child, or just your wedding…

I now have no grandparent, how will my children understand this special part of history they never had a blessing to see?

My Grandmum

She was a Proverbs 31 woman.

1. She was virtuous

Proverbs 31:10, my grandmum was a woman of noble character. One who stood by her word and did not entertain nonsense. She valued honesty and lived by the same principle.

2. She was Faithful

Proverbs 31:11

Despite Grandpa leaving her and marrying countless women and abandoning her, she remained faithful to this man.

3. She was energetic, strong and hard worker.

Proverbs 31:17

My grandma was industrious, she worked with her hands to single-handedly educate her children. Abandoned with 8 children, she fed them, clothed them and educated them.

Though not educated while young, grandma took adult education classes and became a nursery school teacher. She has done business and farmed all her life.

4. She was enduring

Proverbs 31:18

Grandma took everything in her stride. She made sure all her dealings ended up profitable and often burnt the midnight oil.

5. She was well rounded

Proverbs 31: 19

Grandma was an amazing woman. She could do anything and everything as long as it added value to the family.

6. She was charitable

Proverbs 31:20

Grandma always would lend out her helping hand and even her little earnings to all who were needy. She has fed many, clothed and housed many. Some I only got to meet them during this mourning period.

7. Grandma was a provider

Proverbs 31:21

Being left at early stages of her marriage, she had to fend for her children. She swung into actions. From knitting their clothing, feeding them, educating them and generally making sure there was no way they lacked.

8. Grandma was always well dressed

Proverbs 31: 22

She believed in her clothes being in only block colours. She was always in Pink, white and green that were always hand embroidered.

9. She was honourable

Proverbs 31: 25

She always knew about who holds her future. She knew who she served. She had strength and dignity. And laughter flowed freely

10. Grandma was wise

Proverbs 31:26a

Every word that came out of her mouth was either a blessing or a teaching. She was careful with her words and never spared anyone who was on the wrong path. She was not a traditionalist and only believed in what God said.

11. Grandma was Kind

Proverbs 31:26b

She made sure that any soul that entered her house left blessed. Her grandchildren got the best, there was always a gift and most of the time, it was chicken. Sometimes, traditional vegetables and yet sometimes green bananas.

12. She was a good mother

Proverbs 31: 27

As earlier stated, she raised her kids single-handedly. She never entertained lateness or laziness. She watched everything carefully. Grandma was tough. And loved us in that way too. You just had to tow the line. It never mattered who you were.

13. She was praiseworthy

Proverbs 31: 28

Her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren have nothing but praise for her.

14. She attained / excelled

Proverbs 31:29

In her own family, business, in her church ministry, grandma attained to the highest level. Everything she touched excelled.

She was a pioneer in the Kenya Israel Church where she was sent to court over it’s establishment. A woman worth all the salt.

15. Grandma feared the Lord.

Proverbs 31:30

She was a prayer warrior. She woke up at 3:30 am Daily to pray till 6:00 am.

I remember after my second surgery, she came and told me categorically that if I was to go for the third scheduled one, I was going to die. I should not dare since God had revealed that to her. Well, it’s 11 years but am grateful I heard her.

She loved God.There is no way of separating these two. She loved God and God loved her. Kukhu was a pacesetter.

Grandma was obedient to the voice of God. Born in a Salvation Army home and Married in an Anglican home, it took the voice of God for her to join African Israel church -Nineveh. She says the Spirit came over her and was guided into this spirit filled church. She was one of the founders of Kenya Israel Church in the whole of Bunyore land.

I celebrate the chance and the blessing I had to just call her my grandma. I know many may not understand the work this woman has played in breaking generational curses with her intercession. Even in her death bed, she woke up to pray at 3 am.

She believed in God so much and in the work of the Holy Spirit

She has been Faithful in her calling. She has finished her race in Style

I will miss you Grandma

Thank You for setting the pace and showing the way

Rest in Peace Echekhe

Rest in Peace Prayer Warrior

Omusungu uwo uyu wakhuyanza

I will always love and honor you

Deb

Lord, Kill it

I hope you are all well and God has Kept you. I pray that His peace has been upon you and His love has engulfed you.

I have been so busy hence time has been limited but that is still not a good enough excuse. I promise to do better, and be better. At the worst scenario two posts a month but as the Holy Spirit leads, I will accept His order.

The reason I have been away is because I have been handling personal issues that were heavy and shook me to the core. There is a difference between knowing that the fight will be there and being in this battlefield. This field where the devil sends his best fighters and you know all you have is in you. The battle has varied since the start of this year. Some days are too intense, others, not so much that if you are not careful, you may end up lukewarm. The devil is like a roaring lion and when he goes too silent sometimes, prepare for a bigger battle. March and April were the worst but as you know, we always start from a position of victory.

Yet, in all these things, we are more than conquerors (Romans 8:37)

Most of the time, we always conceptualize battles as things that will come to us. The scenarios are always something coming at us. Something that is external. My battles have been more internal. And beware, these can kill you. The battles of the mind, heart and the internals is one as a Christian you have to be well prepared for. Yes, you can quote scriptures and lead Bible study but can you remember to apply this when in a battlefield. When the devil comes for everything about you, are you strong enough? When he comes for your calling, when he makes you question your anointing and the promises God already confirmed concerning your life and purpose? Are you ready to face him eye to eye and tell him, “you picked a wrong one? ” and back it up with action?

When I rededicated my life, I knew I got myself in a battlefield for the rest of my life. I remember asking God to train my hands for war. To equip me that I may be ready when that day comes. Just as David says, “He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms” (Psalms 18:34)

What I wasn’t mentally prepared for was the battle from within. That battle that requires total submission of the flesh to the Spirit. That battle that comes for you till you go back and ask God, did I hear that from you? That you start giving God conditions and ultimatums to reconfirm what He already confirmed through His word and through witnesses. John 10:10 says, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly“

This thief came for my purpose, my anointing, my relationships, my family, my business and my life. It was choking depressing and tiring since at first I had not really seen it that way so I fought back instinctively in the way I thought was best. At that moment I didn’t know that was the same reaction that the enemy expected. And he worked me up thoroughly. There is a huge reason why in 1 Thessalonians 5:16- 17, Paul says, ‘Rejoice always, ^{pray without ceasing}..”

For the moment you cease, the thief understands that the watch is off guard and attacks you first subtly then goes more full force. And what I have learnt is that he will attack you with what is familiar. What you know. What you entertain. And he will come for everything. Absolutely.

I have learnt to lay bare each and everything to God so He can order everything. I have learnt to let the Holy Spirit dig deep into those places I felt were too private. I have learnt that my spiritual antennae can never flip, they have to remain alert. I have also learnt the importance of having people that pray with you and for you. People who cover you when you cannot cover yourself, people who hold you together in prayer.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12

But the biggest thing I have learnt is to allow God to take full control.

To empty me of all the things that are not of Him

To kill everything that is in that is not of Him.

And how amazing it has been going back to my Author. How amazing

Lord, Kill it.

Beauty for ashes

It took three years for me to know the reason why I was so adamant. Even if it takes 10, if God is your will, He will reveal the reason or the lesson. In due time, He maketh all things beautiful.

 I wanted to be married; always have. But when that question was brought to the table I brushed it away. A certain fear had engulfed me that I did not want to put titles on what I presumably had. I wanted to be there, and not be there. I used the broken marriages, relationships and situationships around me as yardsticks to measuring my success in marriage. It was not making sense to him that I was in and out. One day am in for the idea and in a few hours I didn’t even want it mentioned. 

Marriage to me is hardwork and I don’t think then I was willing to take on. BUT I still enjoyed  the dinner dates, the romantic gateaways, the family get-togethers, the sleep overs and sleep ins . Emotionally,  I was searching for something more. I wanted a familiarity that he did not offer. I wanted him to know me yet I was not giving him a chance. Every time  I had issues with him, i would log off and log in to someone I thought would understand me( weirdly they were all men), which brought issues but being too selfish I would brush him off as insecure.

Then i was in too deep without my knowledge. When it hit me, i felt caged. But I accepted the fate and decided to make do. I derived temporary happiness that would end up in tears when I was alone and I lacked a logical explanation to it. Mapenzi ni kuvumiliana.

Given then I was not as connected to my source, i did not realize that I was fighting a battle that I had no idea of. I was not well equipped. Just when i was about to make a decision that would change the whole course of my life, a huge scandal happened. Once that redirected me to where God needed me. I have been guilty of so many things but the level of false accusation in this one was appalling. I was broken to pieces that I tried in my own mind to put together but I still ended up in a desolate place.

When God’s call is upon your life, the separation will happen. I was about to tie myself forever to someone who was not God’s best. He knew the setting apart had to happen and a circumstance that was beyond my understanding had to be created. I am alive now since God raised a standard high above the evil one. A donkey and an ox cannot be yoked together ( anyway, then we were both donkeys😂😂but you get my point I hope)

I came to understand the reason why I was not feeling that marriage thing. It has taken a breaking and God’s love to know and accept it.
N/B

This has been a very difficult post to write. Am not doing so to victimize anyone but to tell you my story of God’s grace and faithfulness. As things unfold and am graced to write more, i will keep on fixing my eyes on Him. The author and finisher of my faith. Hebrews 12:2
Broken to be made whole.
Deb

The Call

A few weeks ago, I was priviledged to sit through a sermon my dad was preaching titled , ‘ Riskers for perishers.’ The sermon was all about things Kingdom, on how much your natural eyes can deny you your blessings. The inheritance that God has always had in store for you. The sermon talked about our responsibilities to the call.

Dad has always shared his testimony but this day he touched on matters intimate about His call to serve that I have never heard of. Papa was a civil servant, a teacher to be precise. By the time he resigned he was a headteacher. God called him in 1995 that he needed to go full time ministry. He spoke to him during one of his fasts. But papa looked at so much happening ( we were still in primary school except for my eldest sister) and he kept at what he knew would provide. All this time, he had the ministry running. Back then,  we were still affiliated to the Word Of Faith Church. He would get done with school work and pastoral work would take over. 2 years later, the church invited a guest from Nigeria for revival meetings. What he didn’t know was that this meeting was more about him than it was about the congregation ( How this God works is just amazing ). This Man of God came loaded with the confirmation Papa needed. Yet, there were bills to be paid. How was a starting ministry in the village meant to be sustained? There was still much he felt he had to do before quitting formal employment.

Brethren, when God wants you,  He will make it happen. Fast forward to the year 1999/2000, Dad has no peace about everything. Things started falling apart in all spheres. Spheres he taught he was securing by staying put in employment. He had two candidates in the house ( one in form four, one in class eight). Things were tight. Then he made the decision to follow the voice of God. Nothing was perfect at that moment, but he chose to heed to the call.

He says He did not know how we would survive and mum, at that moment, had issues at her workplace that also pushed her to quit. ( This God!!!). That is how they ended up in full time ministry with a bunch of kids( four girls) when they had no idea how to provide for, feed or clothe! And God has been more than faithful. We have seen miracles in ways only God can.

My story may not be so different. The call of God is irrevocable. Whatever He has planned for your life will come to pass. It all comes down to: Will you listen and heed to the call? The call came when I was a child. But as I grew a fear engulfed me. I always saw myself ending up as my father and I felt the shoes were too big. I wanted a very small role. I remember praying and telling God , Let me just sing, and let Daddy preach. Slowly, I drifted. I knew I loved God but I really wanted detached from matters Church. When I first came to Nairobi I kept away from Church compeletely. I felt I didn’t need that reminder of the responsibility I had and was not planning to fulfill. Those days I would end up in church ( they were quite rare), just one gaze at the pulpit brought conflicting emotions. It felt like home, but it also felt like the biggest thing I never wanted. Finally, I never wanted to leave.

When God came for me, so much had been destabilized  ( refer to posts before). I was at my lowest. I had tried all the solving tactics but none was working. I even questioned if God really existed ( I knew He did, but the situation I was in was crazy and I had been declared clinically depressed). That is when I remembered  the God my daddy serves. Is He not merciful and gracious?  Is He not forgiving? I had been seeing a therapist for a month, twice weekly. That week I called my therapist and told her that am terminating my sessions. That I needed counselling with a spiritual approach. That was when I walked into Citam Valley Road. I had been crying all the way from town. I reached Citam and completely broke down.( The nitty-gritties will be up in the next post). I rededicated my life to Christ that day. I had already  started my Bible devotion three weeks earlier as I sought answers from God.  Three weeks after, as I read the book of John 1 : 46 , a still voice whispered. Something Good is coming out of Nazareth. I thought my mind was playing tricks. The voice became more clearer, ‘ Something Good is coming out of Nazareth’

It was 2 am. I live alone, and a distinct voice was speaking. I was numb but so much at peace. I didn’t know what was in store for me in that week (Some mindblowing experience was awaiting and I was just here playing detective in my house trying to find a still voice). I remember it so well. It was on Wednesday. I was just leaving town from a meeting. I felt a sudden urge to be in the House of God. As we approached  Safari Park Hotel it was fast becoming a strong hunger.  I had never been to Citam Thika road despite it being next door. I always went to Valley Road. This day I wanted to find the Church. I needed to be in God’s Sanctuary. I want to the PAC University gate expecting the guards to not let me in. To my surprise,  all they asked was if I was heading to church. On getting there, I didn’t know there was a Wednesday prayer service and I walked right into it. I was so overwhelmed.

Those who know me will tell you that I never lack words when given a microphone. I will either speak or sing.  The time for testimonies came, I was literally weeping as I walked to the altar to say  what the Lord had done for me. When I picked that microphone,  I went blank and I kept weeping. The pastor wanted to take the Mic but I said I wanted to sing. If words failed me, then I could sing. But I kept saying, ‘God I submit to your Will, Let Your will be done!’ Most of the times my mind usually has songs lined up, when I opened up my mouth to sing the song disappeared,to my surprise.  I was blank with the whole church looking and the song refused ( reminds me of Tuzo milk advert, ‘ the cow has refused’ ha!). To salvage the situation, the Word msalaba kept ringing but I could not remember any song with msalaba. The pastor was coming for the Mic and I was gonna give it. Then my own Swahili translation of  kgotso’s ‘ke letlotlo’ just flooded the Mic. Msalaba ndio hazina yangu ( the cross is my biggest treasure) The song said. And this is my biggest truth. We’re it not for the cross, we’re it not for Christ, I would be dead!

The pastor takes the Mic and what he said was ‘ This lady has had an encounter with God. Few of you have gone through what she has!’ This statement summarized the state I was in. I could not explain what was happening but what I knew was nothing would ever be the same. Something happened inside me. I met God face to face. From then I have sitdowns with Him like I do with my daddy. And I submitted to His Will, FINALLY!!! Once you encounter God, You will never be the same. I guarantee you.

He separated me from everything I thought I knew and that which I thought mattered. Relationships had to be cut off, some business deals had to go. And I would cry to Him how much the bills were to be paid ( just like papa had his issues). He always told me , ” Debbie, can’t you are that am doing a NEW thing? One that is marvellous in my own eyes? I have called you by your name, you are MINE!” And He has been amazing in perfecting His work.

The confirmation on His call came seven months ago through someone I did not know. Someone who reminded me of when it all started word for word.  When I was still little, and how much God saw my fears but let them play out. And finally, the answers I needed from Him started pouring.

Why did I write this post?

There is a high tendency there are Jonah’s out here. People running away from their calling for one reason or another ( most of the time they do not make sense). The kingdom needs you. Matthew 9:37, Like 10:2. His call and gifting in your life is irrevocable ( Romans 11:29). For you to get that peace you really crave for, heed to your call. God speaks,  He has never stopped!

You may think that your contribution is too small to be noticed but remember we all are members of one body and we need each other to function properly.(1 Corinthians 12:12)

There is no better place to be other than at the feet of Jesus.

And

Using the conclusion to Daddy’s sermon, ‘ The Kingdom requires Riskers in order to rescue Perishers ‘

Shalom.

Love,

Deb

 

 

 

 

You Matter, Yes You Do

I know the tomorrow doesn’t fascinate you any longer. I know you dread waking up. You are anxious of what tomorrow may bring.

I know the tears you have wept. I know how much you wish it was different. I know what do now is no longer passion.

I know you have had that conversation with God. You have asked Him to take you home. You are done with all these earthly treasures. You want to be lifted higher than these problems.

I know you already think nobody cares. That your exit will not affect anyone. That it will be much easier for everyone..

I know that the thought of walking in the Sun scares you. I know the walls are your best friend, they hold memories no other soul will ever know. I know there are days they seem like they are talking to you.

Oh and those accusing fingers. Those that point more to them than to you. Those that glare at you through Windows waiting to break you. You can even feel them matter the curses. Of why you are taking this so gracefully

I know of that brokenness. Of how you know you will never be the same. Of how you classify yourself as damaged,  a class you never thought existed.  That place no one can do more damage.

But…

I also know that you don’t need to go through it alone. Yes, it may feel that there is no one, or there may be no one. The emptiness may be so deep but I know of someone who can give you all that you are looking and more.

How do I know

He did it for me. He did not just make me new creature, He took away the old. The pain, the mishaps, the mistakes and behold I became a new creature( 2 Corithians 5:17). He chose me and I accepted Him. As my own personal saviour . He redeemed and restored me. There are some areas too dark you may be in, He will come for you physically. Deep down in the trenches.

But there is a catch 22.

He only works on free will. He wants you. You have to want him. You have to invite him in. He knows.

And He will take care of you. He is a good good father. He has your best interests by heart. Oh if only you would know the things He has in store for you.

Call on Him, search  for him when he can still be found and He will be found. Call on Him ( Jeremiah 33:3)

The plans He has for you are perfect. Plans that will prosper you. Plans that will not harm you. Plans that will give you hope and future  ( Jeremiah 29:11)

He created you for a purpose.  And I pray He reveals it to you. So you may know you are not merely existing. You are here for something that is much bigger that only you can accomplish .

You Matter. Even when it doesn’t feel like so now, you Matter. You are our superman/ superwoman in your own capacity.

You are loved

You are worthy

You Matter, Yes You Doo.

Love