It took three years for me to know the reason why I was so adamant. Even if it takes 10, if God is your will, He will reveal the reason or the lesson. In due time, He maketh all things beautiful.

 I wanted to be married; always have. But when that question was brought to the table I brushed it away. A certain fear had engulfed me that I did not want to put titles on what I presumably had. I wanted to be there, and not be there. I used the broken marriages, relationships and situationships around me as yardsticks to measuring my success in marriage. It was not making sense to him that I was in and out. One day am in for the idea and in a few hours I didn’t even want it mentioned. 

Marriage to me is hardwork and I don’t think then I was willing to take on. BUT I still enjoyed  the dinner dates, the romantic gateaways, the family get-togethers, the sleep overs and sleep ins . Emotionally,  I was searching for something more. I wanted a familiarity that he did not offer. I wanted him to know me yet I was not giving him a chance. Every time  I had issues with him, i would log off and log in to someone I thought would understand me( weirdly they were all men), which brought issues but being too selfish I would brush him off as insecure.

Then i was in too deep without my knowledge. When it hit me, i felt caged. But I accepted the fate and decided to make do. I derived temporary happiness that would end up in tears when I was alone and I lacked a logical explanation to it. Mapenzi ni kuvumiliana.

Given then I was not as connected to my source, i did not realize that I was fighting a battle that I had no idea of. I was not well equipped. Just when i was about to make a decision that would change the whole course of my life, a huge scandal happened. Once that redirected me to where God needed me. I have been guilty of so many things but the level of false accusation in this one was appalling. I was broken to pieces that I tried in my own mind to put together but I still ended up in a desolate place.

When God’s call is upon your life, the separation will happen. I was about to tie myself forever to someone who was not God’s best. He knew the setting apart had to happen and a circumstance that was beyond my understanding had to be created. I am alive now since God raised a standard high above the evil one. A donkey and an ox cannot be yoked together ( anyway, then we were both donkeys😂😂but you get my point I hope)

I came to understand the reason why I was not feeling that marriage thing. It has taken a breaking and God’s love to know and accept it.
N/B

This has been a very difficult post to write. Am not doing so to victimize anyone but to tell you my story of God’s grace and faithfulness. As things unfold and am graced to write more, i will keep on fixing my eyes on Him. The author and finisher of my faith. Hebrews 12:2
Broken to be made whole.
Deb

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Exactly one year ago,  I wrote this post on Facebook. Being a PK then later a BK, comes with its perks.  Good and bad. The next time you wish to judge and point fingers, also remember to pray and intercede for them.  This is the group that the devil attacks directly after the service or mission has a breakthrough. They are targets and society adds to the pressure. Here is the post

Growing up as a Preacher’s Kid (PK) is not an easy thing. Moreso, in a starting ministry. Your little mind has to wrap and understand what is going  around you with little or no explanations. Everything in that house is about God. So, you grow up making God a routine rather than your ultimate. The standards placed on you by the congregation are so high that they forget your parents did not give birth to little pastors. They are as their children who need direction. Sometimes even teachers pick on you. I remember, in class seven, the school introduced tuition on Sundays and the headtacher called me out on a parade of over too students saying , ” Oyugi najua hautakuja kesho kwasababu ya kanisa, ukirukaruka pale kwa pulpit. Ukose kesho utaniona.” ( Oyugi I know you will not show up tomorrow cause of Church, you will be jumping up and down the pulpit. Miss tomorrow’s class and you will face it). The church was right opposite the school. My sister was once told she would be beaten then dad would pray  for her. Mind you, Dad was still a teacher then!! So you grow up into ministry and with the ministry.  People expect so much from you and they don’t even offer the perfect example to you. And though it may be up for discussion,MOST PKs DONT END UP BEING BORN AGAIN. We may serve in church for a long time but without having our own encounter with God. Some even end up hating the church. Since you seem to think God robbed you of your parents, of all the good things you may have had in favour of the church and when the go out on missions it is you (the kids) the devil targets.
We are the hardest group to get through to since we know scripture way too well and you even know how the missions team start out hence the counter is stronger. It takes GOD and GRACE. The biggest discouragement for these kids usually comes from church hence it is imperative to put them in prayer all the time. Some out here are just covered by their parental prayers. Some PK’s will end up in ministry,  some will not. And it’s okay. 

If you are a PK  And you are struggling,  it is okay. The Lord is still your inheritance. He promised that to the house of Levi. To Aaron’s house. You were never born in that house by mistake.  God’s work has no errors. You may be struggling to come back since you feel you have done so much and God may not pardon you. You are not alone, I have been there. I even stopped going to church completely for close to 4 years. And when I went I was so critical that if God was reaching out I had already put up huge defences. But once you allow Him, He will transform and renew you ( Romans 12:1-2). Like the prodigal son, He will accept you with open arms, with no condemnation whatsoever  ( Romans 8:1). You are cut out for greatness. You are meant for more and it’s never too late. Being a PK is a blessing.

Love

Deb

A Promise Kept, Delivered 24 Years Later: Born of Nobles

Nobility : How can I define this? Unless I delve into these details, you may not understand my excitement. 

Today am more than amazed. And that is because of my roots. 24 years ago, Dad, gave me a challenge. That it was not just enough to be number one anymore. That I needed to create a record. That if I did it,  he would grant me the wish I had all along. I really wanted to visit Uhuru Park. I only knew Uhuru park from Reinhard Bonke’s posters and calenders in the house. Being a village girl,  Uhuru Park was a big deal. 
See,  my dad was a teacher then. And such challenges were taken with the seriousness they deserved. I worked hard,  to just prove to him that I could. Then,  we used to do eight subjects in lower primary. Given the previous term I had gotten 641/800, I targeted around 690 thereabout. 

End term and I surpassed the mark and went well into the 700. I couldn’t wait to get home so I could get the date for my Uhuru Park. So much ran into my head. The headteacher and my classteacher had given me cash prizes (which was a first,by the way). I ran home hoping to find daddy. There he was seated with our Bishop then,  Bishop Isaka. Another cash award from  the Bishop. Then I asked for my gift.  

It was promised and it would be delivered. My dad had always kept his word.  Given ministry and civil duties,  my trip never materialized. I told myself,  I would wait,  no matter how long. 

 I came to Nairobi later to join Kenyatta University. And I would pass Uhuru Park by and remind myself that one day Daddy will take me there. I wanted daddy to take me.  12 years in Nairobi of waiting. 5 years ago,  when I was home,  I told him I will not go to Uhuru Park until he fulfills his promise. 

Yesterday,  he travelled to Nairobi and late evening he broke the news. Finally,  am taking you to Uhuru Park. I even got butterflies. I saw the boat ride like I had always imagined ( I miss my childhood) 

Well,  it may just be a park.  To me,  it is a place I worked so hard to see. A place I only wanted by father to take me. A place I have experienced everything I wanted to as a child. 

Today my father proved me right. Today,  he just set the standard so high. You may think it was just a child’s wish. But him fulfilling it with the number of years gone,  24 to be exact, I still know he will fulfill his promises. 

He has promised and delivered a lot in these 24 years. This one was just the icing on the cake. I will always honour this man,  I will always adore my father.  

Bishop,  a blessed to be yours. 

God bless you and keep you for us Papa

Bishop Norbetus Oyugi 

My father is a noble man.  I am my father’s daughter. Both in Heaven and on Earth. 

Love 

Debs

My 2018 Prayer

Dear Lord 

For the first time I want to say thank you for my brokenness. For in my broken state,  I have been able to experience you. You became one with me. I have experienced intimacy. 

There are levels of intimacy that I never knew existed. Am still in awe. You have gotten so naked with me that I need no other. You have touched me in a way only you can. 

Thank you for the Holy Spirit. Oh Lord,  who and what would I be if it wasn’t for you. Your work is not yet complete and I can only imagine how much you have in store for me.  Now. And eternally. 

Every single day you are conforming and perfecting me. To be one with you. To be more like you. Every single day, I pray to go even deeper with you. 

My soul is ready

My spirit is ready 

My body is ready 

I have been struggling to subject this body to you. In so many things. It has not been easy but slowly am winning this battle with the help of the Holy Spirit. I understand that by myself. I am sinful and that it is not by power or might. But only,  and only by your Spirit. 

I yearn to grow my spirit man to insurmountable strength. I yearn to see you more in me. 

All these years. I have had prayers for the year.  This year. I only want you.  Seeking you and things that are only of you.

I know what it takes,  and am ready. Above all,  I want to share this you with others. Share your undying unconditional love. Share your original plan for our creation. To worship and for communion. 

You are too beautiful To be boxed.  Too awesome to be owned,  yes. Am willing to share. 

I love the way you look at me. I love the way you see me. I love the way you care. The way you yearn for my company. I love the way I am your plan. I love the way you are never busy for me. I love the way you stretch out your hand for me.  I know you love. 

Help me love like you love me. Help me reach out like you do. Help me care just like you. Help me see beauty in ashes as you did me. 

Thank you for meeting me at my end. For at that end,  you blessed me. 

I hold onto your word in Matthew. 

Matthew 5:3-10

3 “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

5 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

6 “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

7 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

8 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

9 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

10 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.(MSG) 

Your heiress, 

With Love 

Deb. 

Give it to God. Give it Time

Whoever said time is a healer, was right to an extent. Time too is such a gossip,  it always tells. 

It has been quite long since I sat down and wrote. Today, I touch on a Subject that is so close to my heart. Learning to let time do its part. 

We may argue that time does not really heal,  it just blurs. That the pain does not go away, it is archived for future reference.  Well,  that reference may never be made,  that is the beauty of it. 

In all my heartbreaks,  I never thought I needed time. Why would I need time and it was their loss,  not mine?  Moving on swiftly was the next stop. And swiftly I did. That explains why I still had major attachments to people I should have cut out completely. That’s why they still had a backdoor to my heart that could easily be accessed and could mess up the system once important and relevant data was accessed. 

But, not this time. This time I wasn’t heartbroken, I was crushed. Into little small pieces that I couldn’t pick up even if I tried. I had lost so much in a short period. That included a human being that never saw the light of day. I ran to all the sources that used to help.  Work,  holiday, therapy but none could stick it through. I wanted to be fine. Right there, right then. I didn’t have the luxury of time. I wanted to be formatted like it did not happen. The more I pushed,  the more I got frustrated, the more I sank into depression. I thought I could handle it. By myself. How wrong I was. 

When I rededicated my life to Christ, a deep peace came over me. I realized I didn’t need to fix anything. Let alone fix myself. These had been after three months of therapy with no breakthrough. I asked God to heal and fix me. It was not as fast as I had anticipated. As fast as I wanted. The lesson had to be learnt. It had to be in a way that I ended up appreciating the whole experience. 

The panel beating process is never easy.  Every good thing that happens requires time. Sometimes enormous amounts, but it all ends up in something so beautiful. When the creator is at work, the creation lays still. The creation allows work to continue..

I have come to learn that God’s timing is the best.  Ten thousand years is like a day in His presence. As humans, we seek to have instant gratification. The answer is not in the product but in the process. The process shapes and determines the product. And any given process requires time. 

In some situations, you just need time to restrategize. In others, you need time to calm down. In some,  You need time to rest while in others, you need time to heal. 

Do not rush into things. Do not rush into engagements. You are not late. You don’t need to be like everyone else. Your path is different. Your journey is unique. It takes longer for a special order to be made. 

For any seed to grow, time is needed.  In most situations, you have been planted. In that darkness,  grow your taproots, then blossom into something enormous and great. You are well capable. 

This time you are giving is letting it go to God. It is enthroning Him in the highest place,  your heart. It is letting Him take preeminence. It is letting Him take all His Glory. We only live in His time. Things happen in His time. If you need healing,  He is the balm of Gilead. If you need a major breakthrough, He created heaven and earth. What can He not do? For you to be what He wants you to be,  you have to go through His process. That process will including removing all that is not of Him from you.  It is not an easy one. It is amazing though. 

Whatever it is that you want to happen. Give it to God.  Give it time. Time to process.  Time to change you.  Time to perfect you( Hebrews 10:14).

God has all the answers and as Ecclesiastes 3:11 says 

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. (NIV) 

He surely will make all things  beautiful. In His Time. 

Love. 

Deb.

When Forgiveness is not forthcoming: What do you do??

Collosians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Matthew 6: 14-15 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

I hope you have been keeping well. Well, this feels like that week when the Grace to write is at 150%

Two weeks ago, while seated in a restaurant in town waiting to meet up a friend,  I saw a certain girl on a table right across me. She was deep in thought and I swear I saw a tear drop.

I used to belong to that ‘mind your business’ school of thought.  If it does not concern me, it is none of my business. Nairobi seems to get this clearly into your head. Assimilation and association. You learn fast. Am still learning to unmind my own business and mind other people’s business that requires minding ( I don’t even make sense to myself, at this point)

As the spirit pushed me to go to her, I kept on thinking of her reaction. What would she think of me? What if she thinks am crazy? This is a public place.

Friends,  I have come to learn that you cannot negotiate with God, He always wins. I was so restless that I knew of I walked out, I would not have had any peace. I went to her and asked if i could share the booth with her. She agreed. For around five minutes,  I just stared at her. She did not even notice. Or she did. But never showed.

‘Is it so painful?’ I asked.

‘Excuse me?’ She retorted.

‘ Excuse my manners, my name is Debbie. And God says Do not despair. It shall be well!’

‘Who are you? And what makes you think you can just. ….’ She looks up and finds me smiling. She cut short her words.

‘Cause it hurt so bad? Do you think you cannot go through it?  Are you feeling helpless, weak?’ I kept going so it would not be awkward 

Thank God, she is a born again Christian. She just kept staring at me and then the tears started flowing freely.

I reached out and held her hand. Then leaned in for a hug. It took around ten to fifteen minutes for calmness to take over. I handed her a tissue.

‘Thank You’ She murmured

‘For the tissue? Never mind .’ I chuckled. To just make things comfortable.

She SMILED.

If I walked out at this moment, I knew I had done something great. ShSMILED.

‘ Well, for two things. For the tissue and for Obeying God.’ She said

‘Would you like some coffee? It’s cold in here.’ I state crafting hoping she takes the bait.

‘Is this an invitation to talk? Well I could do with a great conversation.’ She gets me.

We order coffee and I start with a proper introduction of who I am and what I do.

Coffee arrives. We bless it and go on.

She is a nurse. Fellowships at JCC and she came here to get away from everything that is happening in her life.

‘What do you do when forgiveness is not forthcoming even after several attempts to make things right as a Christian? ‘ She asks.

The question throws me offguard.

‘Well, what happened? ‘ I ask

‘I still don’t understand. How is it possible for someone you think you have known become a stranger? How can a small misunderstanding blow out of proportion? How can they refuse to listen or just see the great lengths you have gone to seek forgiveness. This person hurt me, I hurt him back ( God forgive me ). But God worked on me and I have been asking for forgiveness both in speech and deed.  Twice , the door has been slammed on my face. Today, is one such day.’

‘Who is this person to you?  Are they born again?’ I probe. 

‘My guy.  He claims to be.’ She says.

‘Debbie, the bible asks me to forgive. I have even gone to great extent to make things right. Now, am getting frustrated day in, day out.

‘What was your ideal?’ I ask. Again.

‘To be forgiven too.’ She says.

‘Well, I guess that is where the problem is.  You forgave expecting the same. You do realize sometimes it is not that simple. The holy spirit worked on you. Did you find out of the other party invited the helper too? You can only do your part and pray for the other person that God may work on them as He did you.’  I say.

By now, the person I was meant to meet has arrived and I request ten more minutes. To just pray with this girl.

We do. I give her my card and ask her to call me.  If and when she needs to talk.

We hug and part.

The day ends and I can’t help but think. The bible gives us scenarios of forgiveness. On how we should act.

 

Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins

What happens when the other party acts in total disregard of all your effort?

It got me thinking.  How many people am I hurting out here simply because I hold onto what man did to me than what Christ did for me?

I also realize that to whom Christ says , ” You are forgiven” . The command , ” sin no more ” comes.

You are not in control of how other people will behave or react. You can only do your part. Staying true and faithful to the author and finisher of your faith.

What I do.

1. Pray, pray and pray some more for them. The Bible asks us to not be anxious about anything but with prayer, petitions and supplications make our requests known to God. God is the only one who can change anyone.
2. Cancel all expectations. Frustrations find their way home when people don’t behave like we want them to. You have some your part as the holy spirit led.
3. Keep a clean heart and clean thoughts.  From the abundance of your heart, know every thing will flow. Ask God to renew the right spirit within you.e
4. When they reach out, hold onto nothing of the past. Just like Christ tells you the old is gone.  Release it as well. Only then can you create the right environment for the new to come in. Our ultimate is to be like Christ.
5. Life is in seasons.  Sadly there are those that have to leave  and that is the way it just is. The season you are in prepares you for the next. Keep the lessons. Keep learning. From a severed relationship,  God will be reading beauty for ashes. I never really knew what I went through was preparing me for this girl.  But see, now am well capable of handling life and my story and lessons are actually holding someone else together.
6. Trust God’s plan. He is omnipresent and omnipresent. Trust me, He knows.

Finally, forget the memes, forget the quotes.  Forgiveness is so personal   it has to flow from within. It is a gift you give yourself more than the other person.

Stay in His will and in the fullness of time, God makes everything beautiful.

A blessed one, may you have.

Love

Deb

 

Let’s talk

There are nights that seem so long

I still find it difficult to sleep

Even after devotion and prayer

I always stay awake looking at the ceiling

With lights on

Today is not any different

Am still staring at that same spot

Same as that night when you spoke

That night when we had a sit down

And you reminded me that you saw everything

Each tear I have shed

Each plan that crumbled

All the needless pain I bore

You reminded me:

How valued I was

And how I had sold myself short by going for what I thought was a good choice

How your arm was always outstretched

But

Through it all, you still watched over me

I was still yours

And..

All I needed to do was Trust and Obey

You have me and you promised to NEVER leave

As I stare at the same spot tonight

I am so grateful for your love and goodness

You who made me whole, my Good Good father.

You have been faithful and your amazing grace sufficient.

Am still in awe on how You loved me when I seemed unlovable

When backs turned and you turned to  me with outstretched arms.

When I left but you waited for me and took me back

You took away all my shame and you crowned me

You have sustained me

I have great confidence in your word.

Your love that endures forever

Your kindness that never falls

Your Mercies that are new every morning

Papa, what can I say ,Oshe Baba

I have tasted of You and i can confidently say that You are Good

I will forever glorify You.

Am desperate for you

Get closer, I get louder

Thank You for the cross, Lord.

Love always

 

Deb