It took three years for me to know the reason why I was so adamant. Even if it takes 10, if God is your will, He will reveal the reason or the lesson. In due time, He maketh all things beautiful.
I wanted to be married; always have. But when that question was brought to the table I brushed it away. A certain fear had engulfed me that I did not want to put titles on what I presumably had. I wanted to be there, and not be there. I used the broken marriages, relationships and situationships around me as yardsticks to measuring my success in marriage. It was not making sense to him that I was in and out. One day am in for the idea and in a few hours I didn’t even want it mentioned.
Marriage to me is hardwork and I don’t think then I was willing to take on. BUT I still enjoyed the dinner dates, the romantic gateaways, the family get-togethers, the sleep overs and sleep ins . Emotionally, I was searching for something more. I wanted a familiarity that he did not offer. I wanted him to know me yet I was not giving him a chance. Every time I had issues with him, i would log off and log in to someone I thought would understand me( weirdly they were all men), which brought issues but being too selfish I would brush him off as insecure.
Then i was in too deep without my knowledge. When it hit me, i felt caged. But I accepted the fate and decided to make do. I derived temporary happiness that would end up in tears when I was alone and I lacked a logical explanation to it. Mapenzi ni kuvumiliana.
Given then I was not as connected to my source, i did not realize that I was fighting a battle that I had no idea of. I was not well equipped. Just when i was about to make a decision that would change the whole course of my life, a huge scandal happened. Once that redirected me to where God needed me. I have been guilty of so many things but the level of false accusation in this one was appalling. I was broken to pieces that I tried in my own mind to put together but I still ended up in a desolate place.
When God’s call is upon your life, the separation will happen. I was about to tie myself forever to someone who was not God’s best. He knew the setting apart had to happen and a circumstance that was beyond my understanding had to be created. I am alive now since God raised a standard high above the evil one. A donkey and an ox cannot be yoked together ( anyway, then we were both donkeys😂😂but you get my point I hope)
I came to understand the reason why I was not feeling that marriage thing. It has taken a breaking and God’s love to know and accept it.
This has been a very difficult post to write. Am not doing so to victimize anyone but to tell you my story of God’s grace and faithfulness. As things unfold and am graced to write more, i will keep on fixing my eyes on Him. The author and finisher of my faith. Hebrews 12:2
Broken to be made whole.